God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, 

the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

Now that I'm older, here's the 18 things I've discovered:

ONE:  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO:  My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

              

THREE:  I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR:  Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

(what to do after the peeking)

FIVE:  All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 

  SIX:  If all is not lost, where is it?      

 

SEVEN:  It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

                 

EIGHT:  Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

                                   

NINE:  I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...               

TEN:  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

                    

ELEVEN:  Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

                          

TWELVE:  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN:  Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

                  

FOURTEEN:  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

                     
FIFTEEN:  When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN:  It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

                       

SEVENTEEN:  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.                                          

EIGHTEEN:  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.