I think Santa Claus is a woman.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth,
but I believe he's a she.
Think about it!
Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing, social deal,
and I have a tough time believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men
don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve.
Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings
left on the shelves.
On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man,
everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a
rotating musical Chia Pet under
the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would
be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer
because they would all be dead, gutted,
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the
sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims
that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the
way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer,
he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably
get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
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Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught
wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique
to be described, even in jest, as anything
remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would
seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas
would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical
holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven
and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to
point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosteronescreening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
Sent to me by my friend Diane...
Thanks Diane...It's a hoot!!!...
*Of Course we all know who the
"Real Santa" is!!...
